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Broken Heart

From: Diesel
Conditions of use: accepted & agree
Date: 14 Jul 2004
Time: 18:40:47
Remote Name:


I am about to turn 30 this year..... I thought that the mental and emotional anguish from my childhood would be healed for me by now. When my sister and I was raised, my father's motto was "Punish her before she even thinks of doing something wrong" My mother and sister were never hit only I. I remember as early as 4 or 5 running hysterically away from him - even running down the street through my grandmother's house until he trapped me in a cornor and beat me. A little girl only doing little child mistakes - a broken glass, not making your bed. I would get whipped, strapped- when he's hand would get tried he would just pick up anything that was handy and finish the job also in that frenzied state he would also riddle my soul with the most demoralizing, dreadful, hurtful words that would break the heart of the world's toughest man. This continued until I was 20. I left on a tuesday, he hit me last on a monday. I turned to grandparents (mother's side) for support, and they have been a solid place to rest and grow from. i now live with my wonderful boyfriend of 6 years who I will marry next year, we have our own home and his family loves me. I had 3 years of counselling which finished 3 years ago. My loving grandparents - my grandfather dies 3 years ago and my grandmothers funeral was yesterday - i feel my whole world is going to fall apart I have no foundation and I feel as vunerable and scaried as when i was 5 years old. As little as I have to do with my father, till this day finds new ways to verbal abuse me. Quote: If you think dealing with your grandfathers death was hard to do, wait till your grandmother dies - then you'll coming running back to us. (sprinkle some foul words in there). My grandmother died of stomach cancer, I emptied her sick buckets, gave her medication and held her hand right to the end. She was a very very ill but wonderful old lady who I watch literally fade away before my eyes in the past 3 weeks. While I held her hand, my mother and father never visited my g'mother for the past 5 years and only came to see her for the last week. Much to my disappointment the same week they went through my grandmother's house trying to obtain her will. My question, advice or opinion I require is: How do I deal with my parents? How do I move on? Do I require more councelling? How do I make that final decision NOT do have anything more to do with them again? How do I finally let go of the past? How do I stop him by still abusing me verbally? (I must point out - i only have something to do with him, in family situations - I do not visit him to enjoy his company on a sunday afternoon) How do I heal myself? Will I ever actually learn to love myself?

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