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Dad seeks help (Long)

From: Capitan
Conditions of use: accepted & agree
Date: 29 Aug 2005
Time: 20:15:54
Remote Name:


Hello, I need serious advice in what steps to take in this situation. I am a divorced father of a four year old son. The divorce has been final since April 2005. According to the divorce papers, I get him every weekend (Fri,Sat,Sun) and the mother gets him the rest of the days. In view of the equal amount of time, she gets him really on weekday evenings due to work and him being in class while I enjoy having him all day long on weekends, I pay 350 on child support plus the independent health insurance, she pays nothing. She also gets to declare him in her taxes. She worked at a daycare (got worker discount) so I paid half of the bill (there's the 350) plus his health insurance. All this is on the divorce decree. Well, now she decides to start classes full-time so asks me to keep him Monday and Wednesdays also. Ok, so to keep harmony I accept. She leaves the daycare job and takes him out of there. To this we had an argument because she wanted me to still give her the 350 of the daycare half that I used to pay. Well, I say no and she tells me it is child support money. Well now I have him 5 days instead of 3 which is not equal in any sense. She hangs up the phone in a fit. Mind you, this woman cannot be spoken to without her adopting a child-like, egotistical posture if things don't go her way. If she feels an argument coming, she will immediately raise her voice and release foul language thus making the conversation pointless. Anyhow, today Monday I had him since she is in school. Well, we went looking for a new school for him since I also have a schedule to keep and he needs to interact with other children and learn new things in such an environment. We visit a good daycare with an excellent bilingual curriculum and he loved it. We toured it and he was eager to start immediately. I gathered the paperwork and kept it with me. Later at 9pm, the mom came to pick him up so she can sleep in on Tuesday and not drive to my home in the morning. Well, my son is extremely close to me and adores me so he started crying, ran to the bedroom and hid under the covers when she arrived. I tried to play it as "hide and seek" saying, ready or not mommy here she coooomes. And laughing trying to make her play along as to make the situation less traumatic for him in a "fun" way. Well, she plays along while I'm packing his clothes for her to take when I hear her saying "I am not going through this crap again!". So I go see and she is pulling on his legs due to his intent to stay with me. How is that for a welcoming "mommy day"? Well, I refrain from making a scene and act stern towards him saying. "you know how it is, besides you are going to have fun with mommy...she loves you..." (ect.) trying to beautify the situation. The last thing I want is for him to suffer in any way. I love him more than my own life. So, while I am giving the mom the clothes and a sandwich in case he gets hungry, he hides behind the curtains in the living room. She raises her voice even more, and please believe this, starts threatening him with returning him to school if he does not stop acting like this when she is around (and in not such a harmonious tone either). All this is amazing to me, first she is placing a hatred towards school in him from such an early age and second, should know I only say good things about her to our son in an effort to cement that special love all boys, eventually men, hold dear to their moms. This love is very important to all men for their own emotional and psychological well-being. She has seen me speak positively about her many times when he refuses to go with her. It is clear, her ignorance knows no bounds. Anyway, he grunts at this and does not come out from behind the curtains, so she goes there, pulls him out and slaps him in the face. Yes, in the face. Right in my house, in front of me and on my son's face! Is it not widely known that one should NEVER hit a child on the face? I NEVER hit or use physical violence on my son but am aware that she spanks him and other parents do so with their kids too, but the face? The face is a spot that hurts more than the flesh, it hurts feelings. Actually, last weekend my son, while putting him to sleep during storytime, told me his mom slaps him in the face and he cried. A cry that was charged with such emotion. I asked him if it hurt his feelings. And between sobs he said "yes" and cried harder. I couldn't believe it to the point that I did not even talk to her about it, thinking it was a one time only event that surely would never repeat itself. I mean I was so shocked, almost to disbelief, I know I should have acted but I'm only human. Well, tonight she did it in front of me. And I looked at her and the only thing I could say at first was "you hit him in the face?!" I couldnt believe it. I dont know if this is serious enough for child abuse but to me it is disastrous. I never scream or use obscenities when I argue so keep this in mind. Well, she turns around and says "yes I do and I will keep doing it as long as he disrespects me. Don't tell me how to discipline him and I wont tell you how to discipline him either." Well, I tell her she always criticizes me for being "too soft on him" so that is an outright lie and that she should NEVER hit a child in the face. If she wants to spank that's her problem but never the face since that is where the feelings are hurt. She retorts with, "who made you know-it all in parenting". I tell her that we should not argue in front of him and frighten him further. So I pick him up and held him while he was crying. I pressed him closer to me as we walked out with the woman behind saying "I bet you tell him 5hi7 about me all the time that is why he acts like this." I remain quiet. We reach her car and I strap him to his car seat. While she keeps her school threats. She says, "thats it you are going back to school." Then he spoke. He said, "But I want to go to my new school." To which I add, "Yes, by the way, we were touring schools today and we found one that is excellent. He loves it and the curriculum is impressive. I have all the paperwork. Would you like to take a look." She opened her eyes and said, "no if he goes to a daycare he goes back to his old one. I know the teachers there and he is going to Kindergarten in one year so it does not make sense to take him out of one, put him in another then change him again." I reply, "You took him out of his school!" She said, "I dont care he is going back to the old daycare." To this my son renewed his crying having his illusions shattered and I in all might impotence hugging him and kissing him goodbye. My God, what can I do? She thinks the world revolves around her! I know I have given her too much rope but its time to take control. She is a violent, selfish, immature woman that is obviously not fit to be a constructive mother. Her idea of quality time with him is acting like a fuhrer and the rest of the time spent on her own interests. When a situation arises in which we need, as parents, to work together in aim of a logical middle ground, she resorts to elevating her voice until eventually screaming, insults, other foul language and hanging up the phone or storming off walking making any coherent conversation utterly pointless. Please, I need serious advice on what to do. Thank you for reading this, I am quite desperate.

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